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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Breeders (1997)



I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I wrote a few screenplays back in the day.  While you pick your collective jaws off the floor, it should be stated that none of them were ever produced, though a couple of them garnered some small amount of attention/accolades, for what that’s worth.  Were I to toot my own horn, I would dare say that four or five were pretty good.  The rest were pretty average, though all of them were readable.  So, that’s one to grow on for you.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to try a little experiment with this week’s review.  Rather than overloading you with my usual brand of snobby analysis and woeful drollery, I’m approaching Paul MatthewsBreeders (the 1997 one, not the 1986 one) in the form of a “What If?” (incidentally, also the title of one of my favorite comic books from my youth), peeking behind the genesis of this little gem.  Just so I’m absolutely clear; this is a fictional scenario.  It never happened (that I’m aware of), I have never met, seen, nor spoken with anyone involved in this film’s production, and the characters herein are not intended to represent the actual individuals in any way, shape, or form.  Besides, if any of them wanted to sue me over this trifling piffle, I would remind them that you can’t get blood from a stone any more than you can polish a turd.  And with that…


FADE IN


A cozy apartment which cannot quite be made out for the multitude of empty J&B bottles and beer cans littering its floor.  Four people lounge around the small dining table.

PAUL MATTHEWS is in his thirties, unshaven, and thin in that way people with tons of manic energy are. ELIZABETH MATTHEWS is in her thirties, petite, and filled with long-suffering pleasantness.  GARETH ROWLANDS is in his thirties and is stocky like an old school weightlifter.  PETER THORNTON is in his late forties, tall, and has been down this road perhaps once too often. 

Paul holds a pen over a legal pad filled with scribbles, crumpled pages of which limn his portion of the table.

                                                               GARETH
                                                So, what have we got, now?

Paul squints at the tablet.

                                                               PAUL
                                                Ummm…..
                                                           (beat)
                                                Alien sex machine.

A collective head nod.  Peter rises from the table.
                                                                                                                                                                                                    PETER
                                                I’m just the DP.  It’s nap time.

He saunters over to a couch in the living room, divests it of any detritus, and flops down on it, his eyes shut before even hitting the cushions. 

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                So, is it sexy?

                                                               PAUL
                                                Is what sexy?

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                The alien sex machine.  Is it sexy?

                                                               PAUL
                                                Course it’s not sexy.  It’s an alien. 

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                Jeff Bridges was kind of sexy in STARMAN.  He 
                                                was an alien.  And ours is supposed to be a sex 
                                                machine.  Should be sexy.

                                                               PAUL
                                                I don’t want the alien to be sexy.  This is a horror 
                                                movie.

They SNICKER.

                                                               GARETH
                                                How about a sidekick for the alien?  She can be sexy.

                                                               PAUL
                                                Okay.  The sidekick can be sexy.  But the alien can’t be.

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                Are you putting your foot down?

Beat.

                                                               PAUL
                                                Yes.

He stomps his foot for emphasis.

                                                               PAUL
                                                           (CONT’D)
                                                Ooh!  We can set it at a university.

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                That’s not bad.  An all-girls’ school?

                                                               PAUL
                                                Who gives a shit?  We’ll only focus on the 
                                                women, anyway.  Then we can have a shower scene.

                                                               GARETH
                                                Wait.  Where’s this set again?

                                                               PAUL
                                                A university.
                                                           (beat)
                                                In Boston.
                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                You know we’re shooting on the Isle of Man, right?  
                                                With a lot of British actors.

                                                               PAUL
                                                They can do a Boston accent.

They all dwell on this for a beat.

                                                               GARETH
                                                How about this?  A meteor crashes on the front steps
                                                of this university, but it’s not like a normal meteor.  It’s
                                                like a spaceship for the alien and his sidekick.  They 
                                                get out and hide in the tunnels under the school, and 
                                                start picking off students.

                                                               PAUL
                                                Having sex with the students.

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                We can’t show that.

                                                               PAUL
                                                Sure we can.  Ever see THE BEAST WITHIN?

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                That’s not the point.  It will look silly.  And, yes, I 
                                                did see THE BEAST WITHIN.  With you.  And it 
                                                looked fucking silly.         
                                                           (beat)
                                                Could the sidekick have sex with them?

                                                               PAUL
                                                No.  She’s female.  Females can’t impregnate females.

                                                               ELIZABETH
                                                Says who?  They’re aliens.

                                                               PAUL
                                                Now who’s being silly?

Paul springs to his feet with inspiration, KNOCKS his head against the lamp over the table, and immediately sits back down. 
                                                                PAUL
                                                I’ve got it!
                                                            (MORE)

Elizabeth checks Paul for damage.  None.
                                                                                               
                                                                PAUL
                                                            (CONT’D)
                                                Pieces of the meteor.  All the chicks at the university 
                                                get a piece of the meteor, and it’s like an aphrodisiac.  
                                                It draws them to the alien. 

                                                                GARETH
                                                How do they all get a piece of it?

                                                                PAUL
                                                Who cares?  Doesn’t matter.  The point is, they 
                                                become like zombies or something.  That way, we 
                                                can cut down on effects shots with the alien.

                                                                ELIZABETH
                                                How about the sidekick carries the monster’s eggs, 
                                                and she implants the possessed students with the eggs.  
                                                Lots of people love that new age, gem power shit.   
                                                And it could kind of be like Superman and
                                                Kryptonite, right?

Paul narrows his eyes at Elizabeth.

                                                                PAUL
                                                You’re really hellbent on this sidekick sex thing, 
                                                huh?

                                                                GARETH
                                                How about this?  One of the girls is lured by a 
                                                gem to the monster’s lair, where she’s covered in 
                                                some alien goop stuff, like spunk or something.                                                  Then the sidekick pukes her eggs up on the goop, 
                                                and all the other possessed girls lap it up, making 
                                                them pregnant.

Paul nods along.

                                                                PAUL
                                                Yeah.  That works, actually.

                                                                ELIZABETH
                                                Not silly at all.

                                                                PAUL
                                                Then we can have soldiers or something—
                                                                
                                                                GARETH
                                                            (interrupting)
                                                SWAT.
                                                                                                
                                                                PAUL
                                                What?

                                                                GARETH
                                                In Boston, it would probably be a SWAT team rather 
                                                than soldiers.

                                                                PAUL
                                                Oh.  Rightrightright.  Boston.  So, a SWAT team 
                goes down into the tunnels, and the monster picks
                them off, too.

                                                                ELIZABETH
                                                Oh, and we can have a girl SWAT guy, but the 
                                                Captain’s really sweet to here, maybe overly sweet, 
                                                and touches her inappropriately while they’re in 
                                                the middle of the mission.

                                                                GARETH
                                                Like grabs her boob inappropriate?

                                                                ELIZABETH
                                                I was thinking more like caresses her cheek 
                                                inappropriate.

                                                                GARETH
                                                Who the fuck would do that?

                                                                ELIZABETH
                                                I don’t know.

                                                                PAUL
                                                Wait, wait.  He caresses her cheek so that we 
                                                care about them later on when a couple of the SWAT 
                                                guys accidentally shoot her.

                                                                GARETH
                                                So, the alien doesn’t get her?

                                                                PAUL
                                                No.  This makes it more tragic.  She’s shot by her own comrades.

                                                                ELIZABETH
                                                I think you just don’t like my ideas.

                                                                PAUL
                                                I like them when they’re good.

Elizabeth makes a fist at Paul, faux angry.  A KNOCK at the door.

                                                                GARETH
                                                Thank God.  I’m starving.

                                                                PETER
                                                            (OS)
                                                Is that the Chinese?

Paul rises, crosses to the front door, digging in his pocket for money.

                                                                PAUL
                                                Back to sleep, Peter.

Paul opens the door, reveals the DELIVERYMAN.  He is in his mid-thirties and is a large, slimy monster with a mouth full of jagged teeth.  Deliveryman waits semi-patiently, greasy paper bag in his hands.  Paul looks him up and down.

                                                                DELIVERYMAN
                                                Twenty-five quid, please.

                                                                PAUL
                                                            (to Gareth and Elizabeth)
                                                We may not have to cut back on the effects, after all.

                                                                GARETH
                                                            (OS)
                                                Wait.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

                                                            PAUL
                                                        (to Deliveryman)
                                                You ever wanted to be in movies?


Deliveryman shrugs.
                                                            DELIVERYMAN
                                                Never thought I had the looks for it, really.

Paul grins.

FADE OUT



THE END


MVT:  The monster.  Clearly.

Make Or Break:  There’s a scene early on where a character comes across the monster (seemingly in a closet) with a victim.  The filmmakers then cut away for some length of time, only to cut back just in time for said discoverer to get knocked to the ground.  We don’t see anything else that happens in the interim.  This is likely because nothing did, and even if it did, it would be just as feeble as the rest of this film.

Score:  3/10

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