Child of Peach (1987)

If you were a comic book fan in the Eighties, you may have noticed a few titles which came out under the banner of Jademan Comics.  There weren’t very many, but they were all great (the titles, not necessarily the books), like The Force of Buddha’s Palm, Iron Marshal, and Blood Sword Dynasty.  To my knowledge, all but one of the titles were written and drawn by Tony Wong (Blood Sword, not to be confused with Blood Sword Dynasty, was written and drawn by Ma Wing-Shing, perhaps best known for his Storm Riders which was turned into an abysmal film in 1998; Personally, I’ve always been partial to his Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre), and his aesthetic is at once both gorgeous and kind of primitive, hyper-stylized and childishly cartoonishly stiff.  

The American Jademan books, unfortunately, suffer from some seriously bad editing and translations.  Word balloons often don’t line up with the characters speaking, the balloons are out of order, so you’re not totally sure what a character is referring to until after you read the next balloon, and there are typos that require some serious reading between the lines in order to not get completely lost.  For example, the very first issue of The Force of Buddha’s Palm elides about ten years in one page break, and in that time, we’re expected to catch up with such events in the life of the hero, Nine Continents, as the passing of the love of his life (whom we never get to meet) and the growing bond between himself and White Jade Dragon (whom we only meet after they’ve been besties for years).  This amateurishness is despite the supposed English scripting duties of Mike Baron and Roger Salick, no strangers to comic book writing (I can only assume the problem lies in the translation of the translation by the publisher).  

And yet, there’s an undeniable energy at work in these books that transcends the dopier plot aspects or the fact that every martial arts move looks alarmingly similar (the distinction comes in the naming of the moves, apparently).  As with the more entertaining Wuxia films, like Holy Flame of the Martial World for example, the cultural restrictions have to be taken in stride to get to what makes them work; their imagination.  Likewise, in 1987 (one year prior to the American premier of Jademan Comics), directors Chung-Hsing Chao and Chun-Liang Chen brought the world the incredible Child of Peach (aka Xing Tao Tai Lang), and if you’re already a fan of Shan Hua’s The Super Inframan, you’ll find a lot of similarities herein.  Plus, lots of people getting peed on.

In the Peach Garden high atop the Himalayas, a loving martial arts couple practice their techniques and feed drippings from a giant peach to their infant son.  The flagitious Devil King steals the Sword of Sun and kills the couple, but not before their son is sealed up inside said peach and sent off to safety.  Found by a comedically dreary old couple, the child is named Peach Kid, and, after being prematurely aged by Little Fairy, he takes off to fight Devil King and his minions and save the beauteous Apple Princess.

I said that this film owes a lot to The Super Inframan, and I meant it.  There is an opening where the monsters show up and wreak some havoc.  There is the entrance of Grandma and her colorful monster cohorts, who always appear as if they’re waiting for their curtain call and who will individually take on Peach Kid and his pals and be defeated.  There are the super-stylized sets that are just big enough for lots of martial arts action and pyrotechnics to take place (most notably the villain’s lair on Devil Island).  Come to think of it, maybe it just follows the mold of every other wuxia/Chinese genre film from the Sixties onward.  But even more than these are the parallels between Child of Peach and the sentinel of truth, justice, and the American Way, Superman.  Both were sent away from their homes in vessels just before their birth parents were killed.  Both were discovered and adopted by a couple who couldn’t have children of their own naturally.  Both had to deal with the onset of their powers as they grew.  Both decided to fight for what’s right and are the only ones who can defeat the evil that has reared its ugly head.  Child of Peach then incorporates all of the insanity that comes with the fantasy/Wuxia stories of its native culture.  As stated, there’s a lot of urine jokes in the film.  The giant peach pees on the Old Lady, after setting her ass on fire by dragging her all over the place.  Tiny Monkey and Tiny Dog pee in the drinking bowls of Knight Melon and Priest Bowie.  Bowie winds up puking.  Even Devil King is not immune from the micturating.  This is easily one of the oddest fetishes I’ve ever encountered in otherwise mainstream (this would be a subjective distinction) fare, but the Taiwanese assumedly love it.  Fair enough.  I should also mention that two of the main characters, the villainous Grandma and the more matured Peach Kid are played by people of the opposite gender.  I have absolutely no idea why.  None.  Yet, these aspects (along with a particularly groan-worthy fart joke) didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the film in any way.

The element of kid empowerment and the threatening of innocence also plays into the proceedings.  Peach Kid is harder on his parents than any child in their terrible twos, but it’s he who can take on the Devil King (his adoptive father wants to join in the fight, but Peach Kid denies him this, looking out for the people he loves and taking on the responsibility himself).  He isn’t doing this alone, however.  He is joined by Tiny Monkey, Tiny Cock, and Tiny Dog, three animals who transform into kids (or perhaps the other way around?) with wicked martial arts abilities and Knight Melon (who is more young adult than anything else), the requisite fat buffoon character, who actually turns out to be taken a bit more seriously than one would initially expect (though he is also the perpetrator of the aforementioned flatulence humor, natch).  Adults like Priest Bowie show their poltroonish natures, cowering in the face of imminent death.  It’s the youth that can conquer evil, because it’s their youth which, it can be argued, gives them their power (yes, you can say that they are mostly mystical beings, but that doesn’t really account for Melon; he’s all heart).  The kids play in the big leagues, and they are up to the task.  Uncoincidentally, Child of Peach was up to the task of delighting the piss out of me.

MVT:  The whacked-out imagination, combined with the level of the technical effects (with a couple of exceptions).

Make or Break:  The Old Lady’s initial interaction with the giant peach sets the tone for almost every scene involving her and her husband (i.e. ultra-slapstick).

Score:  7/10

Dungeons & Dragons: The Book of Vile Darkness (2012)

Directed by: Gerry Lively
Runtime: 82 minutes

As of this post this is the last Dungeons and Dragons movie. It is also the best and worst of the three Dungeons and Dragons movies. It is the best as because it is the most faithful to the original source material and it is the worst because it assumes that the audience is made up of hard core D&D fans. This movie also assumes that the audience has read The Book of Vile Darkness.

Yes I should explain this one. The Book of Vile Darkness is one of two adult supplemental material books for D&D. Basically additional information for people who would rather pay for stuff they don't want to make up themselves. As for the subject matter of the book, take the works of Stephen King, Clive Barker, Poppy Z Brite, and Dan Simmons, run their collected works through a blender and have R.L. Stein filter and write the result. An afternoon spent watching horror movie or reading horror novels would be much better than what The Book Vile Darkness is.

Like the second movie there is back story over the opening credits. It is about Lord Dickhead, a man who hates all things living and gets off on being an evil dick to everything. Near the end of his life he clues into the fact that the fun will end when he dies. So he makes a deal with demons that his soul can't be destroyed and then has himself turned into a book. A book so evil that it spread evil, corruption, and madness to anyone who comes in contact with this vile book.

All this evil stupidity creates the Bros of Pelor (Pelor is the god of light and keg parties). These Bros are so awesome that Pelor gives them medallions to help them spread righteous light across the land. The forces of evil deiced to break the book into three parts. The ink was found and destroyed but the cover and pages disappeared.

The movie opens with our young hero becoming a Bro. And like all young heroes he thinks he is the chosen one who is going to change everything. But when he taps the scared stone, the stone does not light up proving that he is the chosen one. So our hero runs off while his fellow Bros have a good laugh at the hero's naivety.

The hero's dad consoles the hero after he is sure that he will not kill himself laughing at the site of his son. The two of them talk about how foolish the hero is being. Meanwhile, barbarians attack the Bros keg party because barbarians are dicks when they smell beer. So father and son join their fellow Bros and the scene cuts to next day. Because who really wants to watch a battle in a fantasy movie.

Our hero wakes up from being hit in the head and finds he is the only Bro left alive. He has a hazy idea that the barbarians kidnapped his dad. So trusting to plot convenience our hero sets out to save his dad. After some needless misadventures with a sex worker our hero finds the people who ordered the barbarians to attack the Bros in the first place. We have goth witch, creep with a mask, annoying assassin, hired goon, and Mr. I have two minutes to live.

This group won't let our hero join until he kills someone in cold blood. Luckily for him, Mr. I have two minutes to live remembers his name and walks right into our hero's sword. So team evil sets out to do the next thing on their list of tasks, kill a bad looking computer generated dragon. This leads to travel and getting more reasons to hate the characters. Then they fight and kill the dragon. This leads to the major thing that takes me out of the movie, everyone except our hero is needlessly evil and stupid. In the dragon's cave team evil finds the mcguffin they need and villagers from a town they need to visit. So what does team evil want to do with the villagers? Why kill them because they are weak for letting a dragon capture them.

However our hero is quick thinking and save the villagers by pointing out by keeping them alive the village will welcome team evil with open arms. So team evil goes into the village, welcomed like heroes, and hired goon goes to the village brothel to meet the topless female nudity requirement. Our hero and goth witch fulfill the required love interest part of the film and creep with a mask goes around the village being a needlessly evil dick because he can. Oh and the annoying assassin is robbing the village.

The next day team evil is about to leave but the villagers are not happy about being robbed. So the villagers locked the gates of the outside and have rounded up a posse to kill team evil. Our hero nearly talks team evil out of a needless fight but creep with a mask makes it worse. Forcing team evil to kill all the villagers without the villagers putting up much of a fight.

Later that night hired goon gets character development and poisoned by our hero. Then our hero puts hired goon and all the treasure team evil has collected into a magical bag (bag of holding) and throws the bag into a near by lake. He then puts annoying assassin in a situation where the assassin gets himself killed. This paves the way for team evil to get the last mcguffin and the last act of this movie.


If you are a D&D fan this movie is for you. It is the closest thing to a movie version of  role playing session that is not a comedy that you are likely to find. As for everyone else if you can't find anything else or you can't sleep this movie might be for you. But I don't suggest looking this one up unless this really your thing or your are a masochistic fantasy fan.

MVT: There is a undead child that benefits from the low quality computer animation as it adds to the creepiness.

Make or Break: What breaks this movie for me is team evil being evil and stupid so the hero looks more heroic.

Score: 4.15 out of 10

Bruce Lee and Chinese Gods (1976)

AKA: Pang shen feng; Story of Chinese Gods
Director: Chih Hui Chang

I don't even know where to begin with this one, as the size of this film's weirdness makes it nearly impossible to get a hold of. Should I start with ancient Chinese gods and their motorcycle clouds? Or the frequent dismemberment, charring, and other acts of insane violence? How about the fact that, when all else fails, the ancient gods of China have to call on the ultimate supernatural guardian of the East, Bruce Lee (sporting a cool third eye in the center of his forehead)?

There is an evil warlord who is oppressing the people of his province. His wife is a fox spirit, and although they are sexy, fox spirits are always deceitful and naughty. Disgusted by the ruler's evil deeds, the gods, one of whom can make his eyes extend way far out of his head, send a wise demigod type fellow down to Earth to talk sense to the despot. In accordance with the behavior you would expect from a ruler who murders his most loyal advisors and burns lots of people alive for the hell of it, he doesn't really see the error of his ways. Angered and frustrated, the demigod whips up a tornado that carries many of the peasants to a neighboring province, where the ruler is benevolent and honest.

The evil ruler decides to declare war on the good leader, but when his assassins fail to carry out their job, the fox spirit suggests that the evil ruler enlist the aid of the dark forces, who are pretty good at such things. In turn, the wise demigod enlists the aid of his pals up in the heavens and all out supernatural war ensues. Evil Taoist priests, monsters and demons of every possible shape and size, and god riding around on clouds that make motorcycle noises are all part of the fun. When the forces of evil send in the Three Kings of Hell as their coup de gras, the good gods summon up Bruce Lee. Yep. When God himself can't solve a problem, he calls on Bruce Lee. Wouldn't you? Bruce Lee, complete with his official silly fighting noises, materializes to kick some King of Hell ass. Bruce can do kungfu and shape shift into a stoned (not stone) dragon, among other powers he never used in his other movies but we always suspected he had in real life.

I'm not sure exactly how accurate the mythology on display is. As best I can tell, the reason Bruce Lee is no longer with us is because he had to travel back in time to like the Han Dynasty or something in order to assume his role as the ultimate god of China. He brought with him his knowledge of motorcycles and applied to it some clouds for his buddies. So, like, 90% culturally accurate.

I've really only scratched the surface of how insane this cartoon gets. This movie has more craziness packed into each of its artfully drawn but poorly animated cels than most any other film around. Was this for kids? Surely not. It shows people being chopped in half and burned at the stake, flailing and shrieking as the melt. It has demons ripping people apart and eating their limbs. I mean, sure it's the kind of movie I watched as a kid, but these kids these days are made of more tender meat. Kid friendly or not, Chinese Gods really is one of the most unbelievably fun and inexplicable things I've seen. It makes me feel a bit light-headed. The animation is not great, but you have to overlook the cheap animation and enjoy the delirium. And you can also admire the artwork, if not the outcome of trying to make it move.

Make or Break: The violence. Ostensibly made for children, this movie isn't afraid to revel in everything from people being burned alive to people being chopped to bits.

MVT: Bruce Lee's boobs. Seriously, man. It's like he hangs out with Kate Upton.

Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God (2005)

Directed by: Gerry Lively
Runtime: 105 minutes


Dungeons and Dragons 2, the sequel no one wanted and some how managed to be better than the first film. Yes it is a straight to DVD release, yes it has large plot holes that they can double as a home for a family of four, yes it is kind of dumb, but better than the first movie.

The Captain of the Guard is back in this movie. In the opening credits he explains that he has been undead for a hundred years and is rather upset about that. Since he can't get revenge on the wizard that did this to him, he has set his sights on destroying the city he used to guard.  Luckily for him there is a McGuffin that can help him with his quest. So the opening credits show his journey as he acquires the McGuffin.

Elsewhere in the city that has no idea it is about to be destroyed, Lord Protagonist is ignoring his staff while watching a sword fight. Lord Protagonist used to be captain of the guard and studied to become a CPA. After a distinguished career Lord Protagonist is too old to go on adventures and is put in charge of the tax department. Though at the moment he is more interested in practicing with swords than listening to his staff. So leaving his staff to sputter about tax crap, the Lord finds a sword and some armour and challenges the new captain of the city guard. The new captain was a student of the Lord and is also studying to get his double major in being an Ass.

The two of them duel and the new captain lets the Lord win. After ordering his troops to leave the movie until the third act, the Ass shows the Lord the tip of a feather he cut off of the Lord's helmet. Explaining that if this feather was his neck he would have been killed due to old age. That's right, your neck moves sixteen inches above your head as you reach your late forties. So the Lord consoles himself by visiting his sorceress wife. She is studying the McGuffin wizard school of magic. 

Her attempts at learning McGuffin magic only result in her destroying a pair of gloves. Before she can bemoan the fact that she failed news arrives that there is trouble at the mountains. A couple of farmers went into the mountains and have not been seen again. Wanting to keep costs down Lord Protagonist and his wife volunteer to solve what happened to the farmers.

In the mountains they discover poison gas and a sleeping giant that is breathing out the poison gas. Not just any poison breathing dragon but a poison breathing dragon god that destroyed the McGuffin mages after they imprisoned it. Luckily for our heroes the McGuffin mages hid all their notes in the city library before they quit being mages and took up heavy drinking in a forest somewhere. So Lord Protagonist and his wife stay up all night studying notes that make no sense. Having no luck with that they resort to using magic to make sense of the notes.

This results in part of the library being destroyed, a fair sized chunk of the Sorceress' scalp being removed, and the plot advances in regards to the McGuffin magic.With the fate of the city on the line and the city guard unavailable until the third act there is only one thing to do, assemble a group of third party independent contractors. Lord Protagonist knows just the people that can be brought in to get the job done and because they all owe him a favour so the kingdom will not have to worry about paying them. We have a priest who hates people who wear shoes in holy places of worship, a barbarian warrior woman, a cynical and surly dwarf thief, and a elf teleportation specialist.

Together these five heroes will go forward to find the pool of plot acceleration. Back at the city, the Sorceress is dying due to the Captain of the Guard casting a increase drama spell on her. So in an attempt to make the McGuffin mage's notes readable she set them on fire and the notes become readable. Elsewhere, the fiscally responsible adventures stumble upon their first trap set by a lich (a wizard who's body has died by his mind and will keep going). The party escapes the trap but Lord Protagonist is starting to believe the Ass that he is too old for this kind of life.  

The adventures get closer to the pool of plot acceleration and they fall into another trap that kills the priest. Back in the city, the sorceress is destroying stuff in the name of research and decaying more. Our heroes use the pool of plot acceleration and the elf teleport specialist gets to do her thing. Sadly she teleports them into a trap and gets her hand stuck in stone. However, the Captain of the Guard created an easy to escape trap and our heroes escape with the McGuffin and race towards the city and the third act.

The mages find the McGuffin mage's lair under the city, the Ass and the city guard return, and the dragon god wakes up. The Ass dies and there is much rejoicing by me. The movie ends with a happy and predictable conclusion.

For all the crap I have given this movie it really is not that bad. I have no problem recommending renting this movie or watching it on Netflix. It is a better popcorn fantasy movie than it has any right to be.

MVT: The director was able to mix practical effects with cgi effects to keep the viewer in the movie.

Make or Break: What makes this movie for me is the plot's ability to capture the feel of being on an adventure created by someone who took a crapload of dice and made something entertaining up.

Score: 5.2 of 10

Born Of Fire (1987)

The five of you who regularly read these missives of mine may recall that I’ve mentioned in the past that I play bass (or have; it’s been a while).  I have no aptitude for reading music; I was simply gifted with a reasonably good ear and a knack for mimicry.  Helpful, since I started off playing punk and hardcore music with my first electric bass.  Wait, that’s not entirely true.  I did at one point in time learn to read music.  When I was in grade school, we had a music class (it was pretty much mandatory, but then again, we had small classes), and it all commenced with the flutophone (essentially the red-headed stepchild of the recorder).  Once a week, Mrs. Doyle would come into our classroom, and she would go over scales and songs (she used to say the Bs were flat because she sat on them; har dee har har).  It was fun, as it should be.

Eventually, we all graduated to stringed instruments, and my choice was the double bass.  We would learn a couple of songs for the annual “concert,” and one of them was invariably Hot Cross Buns which would be played in pizzicato.  It should go without saying that the truly unsubtle plinking of sixth-grade fingers on the instruments’ strings was like a concerto in Hell.  Like the music in Jamil Dehlavi’s Born Of Fire but without the practiced musicianship.  Since I didn’t keep up with playing after the classes were discontinued, any skill for reading eventually faded away.  I don’t really mourn this lack of expertise, but every now and again I think maybe I should give proper music training another go.  Just one more in an ever-growing list of woulda, coulda, shouldas in my life.  Onward and upward…

When a truly unusual solar eclipse occurs (a skull passes in front of our lovely Sol) and a volcano thought extinct suddenly erupts, an astronomer (Suzan Crowley, credited only as The Woman) just knows something is up.  So, what would you do?  Well, it doesn’t matter, because she goes to a concert showcasing flautist Paul (Peter Firth), who suddenly has visions of a woman (you’ll never guess who) being attacked by a group of men and hears music that he is not playing.  Stringing together clues about his deceased father’s quest for the Master Musician (Oh-Tee), Paul decides to travel to Turkey and search out the truth.

The film starts with this quote from Celaleddin Rumi: “In the rhythm of music a secret is hidden: If I were to divulge it, it would overturn the world.”  Intriguing stuff.  Music, as a form of expression in the film, is a pathway to the soul and to ultimate power.  But it can be used for good as well as for evil, and at least in some part, the film is about finding one’s voice in this way (which does your soul contain or contain more?).  The Master Musician does not speak a single word; the only noise he makes emanates from his flute (and surely there’s nothing phallic about that).  His music causes chaos and disorder, makes the Earth revolt against itself, calls forth the fire from its inner depths.  Paul’s journey is about discovering the power of the music within himself (“your flute will guide you;” again, nothing phallic to see here) and commanding the Everlasting Note (via circular breathing?  We’re never told).  But it is his search for this inner music that can also kill him if he cannot understand its might.  The Silent One (Nabil Shaban) is a deformed mute.  He is twice cursed, since he is an outcast from his village and, perhaps more importantly, he has no voice or instrument.  In this world, he is utterly powerless.  For him, though, his destiny will be shaped by tragedy and will even cross both value lines.  The Woman is a catalyst for emotion for all the characters, and while she plays an important part in the story, she cannot shape it because she has already been shaped by it.  In effect, she is an instrument as much as the flutes and somewhat passive in the grand scheme of things.

Alongside this element is the allegorical struggle between good and evil, where the Devil (or Iblis) is embodied by the Master Musician and Mankind is embodied by Paul (and his father before him).  It is the playing out of Lucifer’s contempt for men preceding his fall from Heaven.  Since he refused to kneel before men, he was cast out, and the Musician dwells in a deep cavern by an abandoned mosque to symbolize Hell.  When we are first introduced to Paul, it is in a shot that begins on the apse of a church depicting God in Heaven and tilts down to Paul playing his concert.  It associates him with the power of Good while also placing him underneath Heaven; he’s another pawn in the conflict, his significance notwithstanding.  Paul’s apartment is decorated with intricately latticed woodwork like you might find in a church, and he even has a pew in his loft.  The battle is also symbolized in the use of fire and water/ice.  Paul’s father was found burned to death.  The Master Musician commands flames from his eyes, mouth, his flute, and the Earth itself.  The Djinn character is basically a fire elemental distinguished by its burnt flesh and smoking footprints.  Conversely, there is an icefall where a character is killed.  It is also the place which will protect Paul as he grasps for his musical/spiritual mastery.  The waterfalls Paul passes on his journey is considered the graveyard of the Djinn, water conquering fire like scissors beats paper.

While you could pick apart the metaphors in Born Of Fire all day, the film by itself is something of a mess from a storytelling aspect.  The performances are cold, the characters always at a remove.  This does play into the point of the film, but it can make for some hard going.  Further, the editing is unconcerned with any real cohesion.  Paul sees the Djinn on the side of the road, stops, and appears to approach her.  Cut to: Paul arriving at the village.  Later, he plays the Master Musician’s flute, and as we anticipate some sort of climax, the filmmakers again just cut to another scene, behaving as if nothing of any consequence has happened.  There are elisions of time we cannot fully connect, though to some degree it feels as if we are expected to have done.  Even the basic premise is engaged and discarded almost randomly throughout, and this confuses the figurative facets somewhat, since the film appears to make points and then its own counterpoints, sometimes within moments of each other.  In spite of this, I did find myself enjoying the film, though more for its provocation of thought and its stunning cinematography, courtesy of Bruce McGowan, than as an entertaining narrative.

MVT:  When I boil it down, the beauty of the film is truly impressive.  Even when not being used symbolically, the camerawork and compositions are gorgeous and often even breathtaking to behold.  

Make Or Break:  There is a scene at the icefall which involves some profuse bleeding.  It is horrifying and beauteous at the same time, and for me at least, this is the image which will remain stuck in my head from the film most of all.

Score:  6/10