I usually applaud filmmakers for what
they’re able to achieve on screen unless their product is so incoherent, so
incompetent, that I want to do physical harm to the movie in some metatextual
bloodsport. It takes a hell of a lot to
actually produce a film from soup to nuts and even more to get it distributed
in any fashion. This has arguably
changed some with the rise in technology and its effects on the business. Does this lessen my admiration? If I’m being totally honest, yes, to some
degree it does, but we’re not here to discuss that today. We’re here to discuss Russ Marker’s The Yesterday
Machine, a film about a Nazi scientist hiding out in the American Southland
with a machine that can twist time.
Sounds at least mildly interesting, right? Well, it isn’t. Despite the low-fi charm of the production (including
lots of post-dubbing, which is partly distracting, but when you hear the actors’
actual voices, it makes a bit more sense), and despite some of the more
intriguing aspects inherent in the film’s basic idea, this is one deadly dull
affair. While it isn’t completely
irredeemable (this is a very debatable statement, admittedly), it is most
definitely something I would never recommend as a watch for anyone (unless that
person were a masochist).
It was keeping this in mind,
combined with my general dislike for simply bashing on a film in my writing that
lead to my approach to this particular review.
Here’s the lowdown: I asked my seven-year-old nephew (whom we will refer
to as “Charles” hereafter, partly to keep his identity private and partly so I
can claim authorship if anyone ever wants to pay money for this crap) to
reinterpret the plot of The Yesterday
Machine by drawing scenes he would rather see and stringing them together
with a flimsy narrative. To add some
excitement (a la an episode of Family Feud),
I gave him a time limit of three minutes per picture. I’m a jerk, I know. What follows is his pictures and a
combination of his and my words, some concerning the plot, some concerning our
conversation about clarifying said plot.
Enjoy.
Howie (Jay Ramsey) and Margie (Linda
Jenkins) are out in the woods dancing one night, when Howie is suddenly
attacked by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Howie
screams as he is ripped apart by the dinosaur, while Margie screams. But then she dances some more.
Dr. Von Hauser (Jack Herman) teleports the evil Hitler
to the present, but a dinosaur gets in the way while the time machine is working. Hitler and the dinosaur are put together into
a monster with two heads. To keep his
master alive, Von Hauser builds a deadly robotic armor (might even be
cybernetic) and puts Hitler and the dinosaur (which can be any except a
Diplodocus) in the armor.
“How did Von Hauser put together
armor fast enough to keep these guys alive?” I asked.
“He already had an armor built,
just in case.”
Two-Headed Hitler uses Von
Hauser’s Yesterday Machine to bring a giant ape (who is TOTALLY NOT King Kong - Todd) from the past. But aliens from the future intercept the
machine’s signal and send a giant monster to fight the ape. The monsters destroy the city with their
fighting, and the alien kills the ape with his chest lasers. But with his dying breath, the ape chokes the
giant alien monster to death.
“You know there were no such
things as giant apes in the past.”
Blank stare.
“Yeah.”
“Where’s Margie and Jim at this
point?”
“Who’s Jim?”
“The reporter. Remember?”
“Yeah. They’re not here now. They’re boring.”
Jim (James Britton [I guess he’s needed after all now – Todd]) gets
control of the time machine and brings planes from World War Two to fight the
Nazis. But the aliens from the future
send back spaceships too, and a giant battle takes place. Everything blows up, but the good guys win
it.
“But what about Two-Headed
Hitler?”
“Jim threw him off the cliff.”
“A classic maneuver.”
Charles nodded.
“Where are the Nazis’ planes? Don’t they have any?”
“They didn’t bring any with
them.”
Jim sends all the planes back to
World War Two, but Dr. Von Hauser is hiding in the lab. They have a fight, but Jim kills him, and
then he blows up the lab. The End.
“That picture’s a little
bloodthirsty. I mean,
bloodthirsty-er. Don’t you think?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s the bad guy.”
Fair enough.
Please direct any option
inquiries courtesy of this post. Until next time. Good day.
MVT: The concept behind the
film, while old hat, is still one from which a lot of compelling stories can be
wrung. It just isn’t the case here.
Make Or Break: The first
scene of the film (nay, the first shot) is of Margie’s hips gyrating to the
“hip” rock ‘n roll music blaring from her tiny transistor radio. Had the rest of the film been as
entertainingly offbeat as this setup, I would have been in, at least on some
level. Unfortunately, these first few
minutes are as much fun as you will have in this entire movie.
Score: 2/10
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