Saturday, July 29, 2017
Directed by: Dietrich Johnston
Run Time: 96 minutes
All you had to do was be entertaining movie. One simple job that you were well equipped to carry out. You had explosions, guns, a stupid premise to use guns and explosions, and a vampire. Instead you pass off shit writing as comedy and any joy that could be found is beaten to death with horrible direction. Let's get through this trainwreck.
The story is centered around Detective Hellsing. A cop who has devoted his life to destroying evil by destroying his marriage, being a joke with other cops, and learning how to kill vampires from websites online. Why did he become the self appointed guardian against evil? That is never addressed as Detective Hellsing gets anonymous tip where the vampire will strike next. Across town an Islamic terrorist cell is getting ready to carry out a round of suicide bombing in various US cities. Before the cell can spread terror throughout America the vampire shows up and wipes out the terror cell.
Detective Hellsing enters the scene just as the last terrorist is killed. The detective enacts his mission of destroying evil by using a grab bag of vampire lore and seeing what will work. Silver bullets hurt the vampire, crucifixes can repel and injure, and a wooden stake to the heart and sunlight are lethal. After throwing the detective around for a bit, the vampire activates all the explosives in the building and flees the scene. Leaving Detective Hellsing to escape the as the building explodes.
The nameless vampire works for the C.I.A.'s vampire division. Which is a dark office set were Lance Henriksen is chain smoking. The current target that President Christopher Lambert wants eliminated is a terrorist master mind with a bad joke name that everyone just call him Bob. Bob, played by Brad Dourif, is assembling a super league of terrorists to destroy America and it's vampire assassin. Bob has acquired a powerful jinn/djinn and has smuggled his terrorist pals, his harem, and five little people who are expert miners with student visas.
Meanwhile Detective Hellsing's life has gotten worse. His vampire obsession has gotten him fired, his wife is ready to move from trial separation to full on divorce, and the league of super terrorist have kidnapped his soon to be ex wife. So Mr. Hellsing sets aside his war on evil and teams up with the vampire to rescue his soon to be ex wife and defeat the terrorists. However this plays right into the super terrorists plans as they need the vampire to be the host for the jinn. The jinn is used to steals some material to make a weapon of mass destruction and Mr Hellsing is forced to return the jinn to his prison.
It looks like the heroes are going to save the day when an explosion fatally wounds Mr. Hellsing and the vampire. The vampire bites Mr. Hellsing making him into a vampire and to reveal the plot twist of the movie. The vampire was the anonymous source as a means of training Mr. Hellsing as the vampire's replacement. With all the dumb exposition out of the way, the vampire dies and Mr. Hellsing becomes the big damn hero (TM) and saves the day.
This was a dumb movie. The jokes were badly written, badly executed, and only there to pad out the run time. At some point in the creative process they was an interesting movie but the writer/director managed to screw it up. Christopher Lambert's scenes are shot in a limo and feels like it was filmed as he was on his way to airport to get the away from this movie. Lance Henriksen's scenes feel more like he just stopped giving a fuck and just wanted his day of filming to be over. Brad Dourif and the rest of the cast did their best with the shoddy plot but there is not enough polish in the world to make shit look like gold. If you find this movie please avoid it. It's joyless, flawed, and a mess of a movie.
MVT: Towards the end of the film there is some impressive practical effects. Yes I am reaching for something of value on this movie.
Make or Break: Three things broke this movie. A plot that brings up and forgets things in favour of making a dumb joke. The vampire who can't make up his mind if he's a bad ass assassin or Sam the Eagle from The Muppets. And using CGI as a crutch instead of a tool.
Score: 0.5 out of 10
Posted by Brett Ridley at 3:03 PM