Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs (2005)

Directed by: Mark Hicks
Runtime: 76 minutes

I respect how much effort goes into a movie like Actium Maximus. I have never made a movie but I understand that there is a lot of work to get an idea or dream made into a movie. It is a shame that Actium Maximus comes out as a unwatchable mess.

To make sense of this movie I had to watch it three times. The first time watching it I fell asleep, the second time I managed to watch all of it but my notes had nothing to do with the movie, and the third time I turned watching into a drinking game and passed out after twenty minutes. So this review is not going to be up to the usual lazy quality I dedicate to my reviews.

The movie opens with the amazing Lloyd Kaufman. He spends five minutes claiming that event involving thousands of Buddhist robes on display in a park is really just a high end green screen effect. This is the last entertainment that will be seen for the rest of this movie.

Then the movie proper starts and this is where the movie stops making sense. As far as I can tell most of the movie takes place on the colony planet Actium Maximus. This planet is ruled by a box cyborg robot thing emperor who is addicted to expensive drugs and likes betting on alien monsters that look vaguely dinosaurish killing one another. The so-called plot splits into two parts, the a plot deals with life on Actium Maximus and the plot by religious zealots trying to kill the box robot cyborg thing ruler. The b plot deals with monster keeper going to another planet to find some extremely dangerous alien monster thing.

The rest of the movie is dinosaur alien puppets killing each other or spectators in a running of the alien things segment. Lots of recycled footage and horrible green screen shots. Barely understandable dialog and subtitles showing up at random. A soundtrack that requires a music degree to determine when or if it stops being repetitive. And an overwhelming sense that no one on this film knows what this movie is about. 

And that is the movie. I tried to give this thing a chance. In fact I gave it two and half chances and it just kept getting worse on every viewing. With that said on to the rating.

MVT: Lloyd Kaufman, this man is a national treasure and the only one providing entertainment on this movie.

Make or Break: Break, the whole damn movie after the Lloyd Kaufman.

Score: 0.01 out of 10

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