I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I wrote a few
screenplays back in the day. While you
pick your collective jaws off the floor, it should be stated that none of them
were ever produced, though a couple of them garnered some small amount of
attention/accolades, for what that’s worth.
Were I to toot my own horn, I would dare say that four or five were
pretty good. The rest were pretty
average, though all of them were readable.
So, that’s one to grow on for you.
With that in mind, I’ve decided to try a little experiment
with this week’s review. Rather than
overloading you with my usual brand of snobby analysis and woeful drollery, I’m
approaching Paul Matthews’ Breeders (the 1997 one, not the 1986
one) in the form of a “What If?” (incidentally, also the title of one of my
favorite comic books from my youth), peeking behind the genesis of this little
gem. Just so I’m absolutely clear; this
is a fictional scenario. It never
happened (that I’m aware of), I have never met, seen, nor spoken with anyone
involved in this film’s production, and the characters herein are not intended
to represent the actual individuals in any way, shape, or form. Besides, if any of them wanted to sue me over
this trifling piffle, I would remind them that you can’t get blood from a stone
any more than you can polish a turd. And
with that…
FADE IN
A cozy apartment which cannot quite be made out
for the multitude of empty J&B bottles and beer cans littering its
floor. Four people lounge around the
small dining table.
PAUL MATTHEWS is in his thirties, unshaven, and
thin in that way people with tons of manic energy are. ELIZABETH MATTHEWS is in
her thirties, petite, and filled with long-suffering pleasantness. GARETH ROWLANDS is in his thirties and is
stocky like an old school weightlifter. PETER
THORNTON is in his late forties, tall, and has been down this road perhaps once
too often.
Paul holds a pen over a legal pad filled with
scribbles, crumpled pages of which limn his portion of the table.
GARETH
So,
what have we got, now?
Paul squints at the tablet.
PAUL
Ummm…..
(beat)
Alien
sex machine.
A collective head nod. Peter rises from the table.
PETER
I’m
just the DP. It’s nap time.
He saunters over to a couch in the living room,
divests it of any detritus, and flops down on it, his eyes shut before even
hitting the cushions.
ELIZABETH
So,
is it sexy?
PAUL
Is
what sexy?
ELIZABETH
The
alien sex machine. Is it sexy?
PAUL
Course
it’s not sexy. It’s an alien.
ELIZABETH
Jeff
Bridges was kind of sexy in STARMAN. He
was an alien. And
ours is supposed to be a sex
machine.
Should be sexy.
PAUL
I
don’t want the alien to be sexy. This is
a horror
movie.
They SNICKER.
GARETH
How
about a sidekick for the alien? She can
be sexy.
PAUL
Okay. The sidekick can be sexy. But the alien can’t be.
ELIZABETH
Are
you putting your foot down?
Beat.
PAUL
Yes.
He stomps his foot for emphasis.
PAUL
(CONT’D)
Ooh! We can set it at a university.
ELIZABETH
That’s
not bad. An all-girls’ school?
PAUL
Who
gives a shit? We’ll only focus on the
women, anyway. Then
we can have a shower scene.
GARETH
Wait. Where’s this set again?
PAUL
A
university.
(beat)
In
Boston.
ELIZABETH
You
know we’re shooting on the Isle of Man, right?
With a
lot of British actors.
PAUL
They
can do a Boston accent.
They all dwell on this for a beat.
GARETH
How
about this? A meteor crashes on the
front steps
of
this university, but it’s not like a normal meteor. It’s
like
a spaceship for the alien and his sidekick.
They
get out and
hide in the tunnels under the school, and
start picking off
students.
PAUL
Having
sex with the students.
ELIZABETH
We
can’t show that.
PAUL
Sure
we can. Ever see THE BEAST WITHIN?
ELIZABETH
That’s
not the point. It will look silly. And, yes, I
did see THE
BEAST WITHIN. With you. And it
looked fucking silly.
(beat)
Could
the sidekick have sex with them?
PAUL
No. She’s female.
Females can’t impregnate females.
ELIZABETH
Says
who? They’re aliens.
PAUL
Now
who’s being silly?
Paul springs to his feet with inspiration, KNOCKS
his head against the lamp over the table, and immediately sits back down.
PAUL
I’ve
got it!
(MORE)
Elizabeth checks Paul for damage. None.
PAUL
(CONT’D)
Pieces
of the meteor. All the chicks at the
university
get a piece of
the meteor, and it’s like an aphrodisiac.
It draws them to the alien.
GARETH
How
do they all get a piece of it?
PAUL
Who cares? Doesn’t matter. The point is, they
become like zombies
or something. That way, we
can cut down
on effects shots with the alien.
ELIZABETH
How
about the sidekick carries the monster’s eggs,
and she implants the
possessed students with the eggs.
Lots
of people love that new age,
gem power shit.
And it could kind of be
like Superman and
Kryptonite,
right?
Paul narrows his eyes at Elizabeth.
PAUL
You’re
really hellbent on this sidekick sex thing,
huh?
GARETH
How
about this? One of the girls is lured by
a
gem to the monster’s lair,
where she’s covered in
some alien goop stuff, like spunk or something. Then
the sidekick pukes her eggs
up on the goop,
and all the other possessed girls lap it up, making
them
pregnant.
Paul nods along.
PAUL
Yeah. That works, actually.
ELIZABETH
Not
silly at all.
PAUL
Then
we can have soldiers or something—
GARETH
(interrupting)
SWAT.
PAUL
What?
GARETH
In
Boston, it would probably be a SWAT team rather
than soldiers.
PAUL
Oh. Rightrightright. Boston.
So, a SWAT team
goes down into the tunnels, and the monster picks
them off, too.
ELIZABETH
Oh,
and we can have a girl SWAT guy, but the
Captain’s really
sweet to here, maybe overly sweet,
and touches her inappropriately
while they’re in
the middle of the mission.
GARETH
Like
grabs her boob inappropriate?
ELIZABETH
I
was thinking more like caresses her cheek
inappropriate.
GARETH
Who
the fuck would do that?
ELIZABETH
I
don’t know.
PAUL
Wait,
wait. He caresses her cheek so that we
care about them
later on when a couple of the SWAT
guys accidentally shoot her.
GARETH
So,
the alien doesn’t get her?
PAUL
No. This makes it more tragic. She’s shot by her own comrades.
ELIZABETH
I
think you just don’t like my ideas.
PAUL
I
like them when they’re good.
Elizabeth makes a fist at Paul, faux angry. A KNOCK at the door.
GARETH
Thank
God. I’m starving.
PETER
(OS)
Is
that the Chinese?
Paul rises, crosses to the front door, digging in
his pocket for money.
PAUL
Back
to sleep, Peter.
Paul opens the door, reveals the DELIVERYMAN. He is in his mid-thirties and is a large,
slimy monster with a mouth full of jagged teeth. Deliveryman waits semi-patiently, greasy
paper bag in his hands. Paul looks him
up and down.
DELIVERYMAN
Twenty-five
quid, please.
PAUL
(to
Gareth and Elizabeth)
We
may not have to cut back on the effects, after all.
GARETH
(OS)
Wait. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
PAUL
(to
Deliveryman)
You
ever wanted to be in movies?
Deliveryman shrugs.
DELIVERYMAN
Never
thought I had the looks for it, really.
Paul grins.
FADE OUT
THE END
MVT: The monster.
Clearly.
Make Or Break: There’s a scene early on where a character
comes across the monster (seemingly in a closet) with a victim. The filmmakers then cut away for some length
of time, only to cut back just in time for said discoverer to get knocked to
the ground. We don’t see anything else
that happens in the interim. This is likely
because nothing did, and even if it did, it would be just as feeble as the rest
of this film.
Score: 3/10
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