People get really bent out of
shape over movie remakes, especially these days. Every time a remake is even rumored, the
internet practically explodes with people bitching and moaning about how it’s
going to suck and about how this is “raping their childhood” (a gripe as
invalid as it is overblown). Personally,
I’m of two minds on the subject. On the
one hand, I understand some of the complaints, primarily as they relate to the
dearth of ideas in Hollywood. I would
love to see more original material developed, see new characters and franchises
for us to love as much as those of the past (and let’s be honest, most of this
grousing comes from nostalgia). That
studio execs just don’t get it is frustrating (in much the same way that the thinking
that the higher an action film’s budget is, the better a film it is, which is
not only patently false but also distressing for how many low- to mid- budget
films they could produce with that same money; but this shit makes billions,
and money talks).
Do I feel that a remake of Escape from New York is warranted (and I
won’t even touch subjects like the recasting of characters with actors of
different races, genders, et cetera here)?
No, but I also have the option of ignoring it and any of the changes it
makes to Carpenter’s original. That’s something that people just don’t seem
to get; speak with your dollars. If you
don’t want to see any of these profligate reboots, don’t pay to see them. Don’t watch them at all. But more importantly, don’t whinge on
endlessly about how offended you are by them.
There’s nothing wrong with voicing your disapproval, but it’s
unnecessary and, frankly, boorish to carry on the way many folks do. And that’s the other side of my
thinking. I have no problems with stating
that I’m disinterested in a particular remake, but I don’t dwell on it and
overreact about it as if any of this has any concrete impact on the course of
my life or the turning of the Earth. If
anything, one of my biggest quibbles anymore is that I now have to clarify
which version of a film I’m talking about, and this is becoming more and more
frequent. But it doesn’t kill my love
for any of the originals, and I can always go back and watch them instead of a remake. Try it sometime. You might find yourself a little happier for
it (or at least a little less bitter).
A group of Cuban salvage divers
scope out the wreck of the USS Cleveland looking to haul up some major booty. Of course, there’s a massive shark down there
who kills them all. Cut to: marine
biologist Billy (Gregg Hood) and
girlfriend Vanessa (Norma J Nesheim),
who arrive in Hampton Bay, Florida for vacation (including “disco dancing ‘til
dawn,” and this is in 1995, folks).
Visiting pal Dag Sorensen (Richard
Dew, who will forever be viewed as a poor man’s Hulk Hogan lookalike) and his family at their little aquarium,
Billy becomes enmeshed in Dag’s struggle against greedy land developer Sam
Lewis (George Barnes Jr) as well as
local sheriff Francis’ (David Luther)
quest to rid his waters of this “anomalous” man-eater.
Bruno Mattei’s (hiding out under the William Snyder nom de guerre) Cruel
Jaws (aka The Beast aka Jaws 5) is an amazing thing to
behold. Don’t misunderstand, this is as
incompetent a film as Mattei has
ever turned out (possibly moreso). The
editing is confusing, even when it’s not being used to attempt to fool us into
thinking that the shark attack scenes are in any way exciting. For instance, Francis goes to talk to Mayor
Godfrey (who looks like a cross between Trace
Beaulieu and the frantic television station manager at the beginning of George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead) and Sam (why Sam is there at all is anyone’s
guess) about closing the beaches, and in the middle of their conversation, they
go from standing around Godfrey’s office to standing on a balcony outside. This particular technique has been used
before in many good films, but here it makes no sense. Their conversation isn’t long enough or
in-depth enough to believe that they would continue it outside and at a locale
which also gives the impression that these are just bros hanging out (which
they’re not). Some of the shots in the
film don’t even give us actual visuals in any sort of continuity (and it’s not
as if this is some type of art film…or maybe it is?); they’re just cuts to something and then cut away from. It’s a hatchet job.
In the grand tradition of Italian
genre filmmaking, we also get the inclusion of odd bits of business which we’re
supposed to believe are A) of any importance to the story and B) not dumb
(often simultaneously). The perfect
example of this is the subplot of Dag’s paraplegic daughter Susie (Kirsten Urso). She swims with the dolphins at the aquarium
and even has a pet seal. Her aquatic
antics are set to the most rodeo-clown-esque, slide-whistle-abusing, offputting
music imaginable. Otherwise, she passes
comments about punching sharks which are meant to be cute and endearing. They’re not, and she’s not. We also have the subplot of Sam’s douche bag
son Ronnie (Carter Collins, a dime
store Nick Cassavetes if ever there
was one), getting enraged, trying to poison Susie’s dolphins, and generally
being an asshole. There’s the subplot of
Dag’s son Bob (Scott Silveria) and
Sam’s daughter Gloria (Natasha Etzer)
falling in love and emoting in some of the most baldfaced dialogue ever
written. And the capper is the inclusion
of Sam’s Italian “business partners” from New York, who come to us by way of
Central Casting. One of the more
intriguing elements of the film is the inclusion of Glenda (Sky Palma), a bleached blonde insane
woman who just wants to party (including, but not limited to, kneeing a friend
in the balls while dancing with him; Jocularity!) and kill sharks. Does all of this seem like a lot to include
in a movie ostensibly about a large fish terrorizing a small coastal town? You bet.
In fact, the shark and its entire plot barely get any screen time until
about the last third. Consequently, Cruel Jaws is a meandering slog to get
through, even after everyone and their brother decide to take a swing at the shark
(an editorial decision that only makes the film feel longer than it is), and
this kills what dipshitty enjoyment I got from the first third, because it took
me that long to realize that this thing was just film being passed through a
camera.
Of course, no conversation about
this film can take place without mention of its stunning appropriation of not
only the footage from several Jaws
films (as well as some from L’ultimo
Squalo and Deep Blood, as I’ve
read) but also their plot points and even their dialogue. In fact, most of my notes on this thing are
just notations of moments stolen from that other franchise. Witness: Gloria taunts Bob with the line, “Do
you always do what your dad tells you to do?” (Jaws 2). Billy expounds
about how all sharks do is “swim, eat, and make baby sharks” (Jaws).
Francis says that their shark is “a perfect machine” (Jaws).
There is the prank played on a couple necking in the water by their
pals, which involves a megaphone and the impersonation of authority figures (Jaws 3D). A character inexplicably lifts an open can of
gas over their head just before the idiot next to them fires off a flare gun,
causing their boat to explode (Jaws 2). These are just a few instances in a film
positively littered with direct lifts.
The filmmakers throw in some horse shit about the origin of the shark
(which, incidentally, is a tiger shark, not a great white, but even this is taken
from the original Jaws and its famous
“A whaaat?” scene), but no matter which way you cut it, Cruel Jaws is a hot mess trying to disguise itself as a movie in
much the same way that the Land Shark from the classic Saturday Night Live skit tried to disguise itself as a plumber.
MVT: For all its
deficiencies, I did enjoy watching Glenda be unhinged and eat up every shred of
scenery around her. It doesn’t hurt any
that Palma’s pretty cute.
Make or Break: The Break for
me was the moment Susie showed up aqua-dancing with her dolphin friends. I knew at that point that she was going to be
cloyingly saccharine and involved in way more of the film than she should be.
Score: 5.75/10
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