Soldier (1998)

I suppose that if Soldier was made now,it would be a more soulful film,looking deep into the mind of a man who's undergone decades of conditioning and discipline,and his struggle to awaken the humanity that's been buried.

We didn't get that when Paul W.S. Anderson made Soldier back in 1998....we got a film that harkened back to the 80's,when a lone hero would face a bloody battle against superior forces in a post apocalyptic wasteland. Unlike those films,Soldier had a big budget and a script by Blade Runner scribe David Peoples,and the always dependable Kurt Russell.

And it flopped,bigtime. Soldier was defeated by audience apathy,and in my opinion,that's a damned shame. Maybe it's because Russell was playing an emotionally blank character....no wisecracking Jack Burton to be had here,nor a supercynical badass Snake Plissken. Nope,there was nothing for people to relate to....well,almost.

I must admit that Soldier must have been a hard sell - the opening montage features a scene in which Russell kills an enemy soldier (and an unfortunate human shield who gets in the way) may have alienated people. But to Russell's credit,it's his skill as an actor which manages to reveal that there's still a glimmer of humanity to be had as the story unfolds,made all the more difficult by the fact that he has hardly any dialogue - it's the use of body language and facial reactions which illustrates what's going on. He's simply a man who's been made to follow orders,but by the end of the film,he's making decisions for himself.

And let's talk about the last act of this film. Paul W.S. Anderson gets alot of flak,but he showed alot of promise with this and Event Horizon. His love for science fiction/action films is well known,and it's arguable that he either payed homage or ripped off films - whatever the case,it works here. I absolutely loved watching Kurt Russell wreak unholy war upon Jason Scott Lee and his genetically engineered troops during the film's bloody climax. Nothing fancy about it,just good old fashioned violence - and although the final fight between Russell and Lee maybe be cliched (thunder and lightning!),there's just something primal about watching two men beat the crap out of each other.

Overall,i'd rate Soldier 8/10 - far from obsolete.

ELVIS IN MAY: BUT WHY MAY?

Why exactly did the Encore cable channel pick May to do an Elvis Month and show Elvis movies all May long?

Its not Elvis' birthday month, its not Elvis' death day, so, what then? 

There was those string of crazy shows at Lake Tahoe in May 1976. One was immortalized on bootleg with the title, wait for it,  A CRAZY SHOW AT LAKE TAHOE. I wish that CD had a better cover - I would have  used it for this post. I know of things like that concert on May 29, 1977 when Elvis was so out of his mind, he left the stage altogether in the middle of the show, just up and left mid-song and then came back to the stage a half hour or so later, slightly reinvigorated. This show was immortalized on bootleg with the title, wait for it, SEND ME THE LIGHT...I NEED IT BAD.  I wish that CD had a better cover - I would have  used it for this post.

These are not things the Encore folks would even know about much less want to anniversarize (is that a word?). 

Frankly, I was stumped and started looking on the internet -- there HAD to be an answer, right? I mean, we dont live in a random universe, do we?

Well, a few clicks on the internet made me realize that I am getting old and forgetting all I have learned about Elvis in all my years of Elvis obsession.

Thanks to the Elvis History Blog (http://www.elvis-history-blog.com/elvis-in-may.html), I am reminded that there are many reasons to schedule an Elvis Month of Elvis Movies in the month of May, many anniversaries to celebrate. 

Feel free to raise a glass of wine and toast for any of the following reasons:

Elvis in May: A list of important events that occurred in May during the life and career of Elvis Presley

May 5, 1956 —Elvis's first RCA album, titled simply “Elvis Presley,” reached #1 on Billboard's album chart.

May 2, 1960 — Principal photography onG.I. Blues, Elvis’s fifth movie, began at Paramount’s Hollywood studios.

May 23, 1962 — Elvis’s ninth movie,Follow That Dream, opened in theaters nationwide.

May 26, 1963 —Elvis recorded "Devil in Disguise" at RCA’s Studio B in Nashville.

May 29, 1963 — Priscilla Beaulieu graduated from Immaculate Conception High School in Memphis.

May 1, 1967 —Elvis and Priscilla were married at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas.

Elvis in May: Birthdays of Prominent People in Elvis’s World

May 12 — Millie Perkins, who costarred with Elvis in 1961’s Wild in the Country, was born in 1938.

May 13 — Memphis disc jockey Dewey Phillips, who is credited with being the first DJ to play an Elvis record on the radio, was born in 1926.

May 16 — Two of Elvis's movie costars were born on the same day in 1937: Yvonne Craig (It Happened At the World’s Fair and Kissin’ Cousins) and Jocelyn Lane (Tickle Me).

May 18 — Joan Blackman, Elvis’s costar in Blue Hawaii and Kid Galahad,was born in 1938.

May 23 — Linda Thompson, who was Elvis’s girlfriend for four and a half years starting in 1972, was born in 1950.

May 24 — Priscilla Presley was born in 1945.

May 27 — Fred Wise, composer of over 30 songs, including “Wooden Heart,” for Elvis, was born in 1915.

ELVIS IN MAY: STAY AWAY JOE

Given that it is Elvis Month on the Encore cable channel this month, I thought I would use my first postings on the GGTMC blog to share my thoughts, memories, hopes, dreams and wishes for all things Elvis. I've been an Elvs fan, like BIG Elvis fan, since forever. Like any member of the GGTMC family, one of my great loves is talking about movies. I could talk about movies for hours and hours. But (and maybe this is unlike other members of the GGTMC family), I could also talk about Elvis for hours and hours. Ironically, one thing I certainly cannot do is talk about Elvis movies for hours and hours.  I am an Elvis fan, like BIG Elvis fan, but I'm not crazy insane. 

Encore is running Elvis movies throughout the month, on repeat mode, one Elvis movie a day for the whole month. One cant fault Encore's choice of titles: among others, there's KING CREOLE, JAILHOUSE ROCK, BLUE HAWAII, SPEEDWAY, SPINOUT and CHANGE OF HABIT (OK, maybe fault that last one).  These are all great examples of the iconographic nature of Elvis movies. Yes, thats right: an Elvis movie is a category unto itself. Hitchcock movies are Hitchcockian; Kubrick movies are Kubrickian; an Elvis movie is "An Elvis Movie". Encore's setlist has 'em all: Elvis: young & black-and-white raw; Elvis: in Hawaii; Elvis: in racing cars; Elvis: starring opposite Mary Taylor Moore playing a nun. 

I haven't seen these Elvis movies in a while although I could probably write reviews just from my memories. I will be watching these titles this month (a few already await on the DVR) so i will hold off writing reviews of each of these title until I actually watch 'em.

What else is new in Elvis World lately that I can talk about? 

Well, the FTD label (which is the official, Graceland-sanctioned "bootleg" label that is dedicated to releasing outtakes from Elvis recording sessions as well as soundboard recordings of concerts) has just released a special edition CD of the soundtrack to STAY AWAY JOE.  This has to be considered something of a feat given that the movie only contained four (!) songs. Anyway, I am actually hot to get this if only because it seems like a looooong time since I heard any new Elvis at all, much less some new Elvis that really gave me that old tingle, or any tingle, if you must know.  So it is out of this desperation, this starvation, that I am kinda salivating at the track listing.

But wait, the movie...a few words. Not many. I cant say too much about, I've never seen it, I've never ever really wanted to see it either. Elvis as a Native American(!). For the second time in his movie career(!!).  Oy.

Back in the day of only seven television channels (yes, just seven, and some of them didnt come in too clearly, either), I dont think STAY AWAY JOE played very often. I dont recall it being part of the regular line-up of The 4:30 Movie when they showed an Elvis movie every day for a week and I rushed home from school to see them. That's when they showed DOUBLE TROUBLE, SPINOUT, SPEEDWAY, GIRL HAPPY, HARUM SCARUM. The good ones. Yes, you heard me. Shut Up, yes, I like HARUM SCARUM. So, not only that, I dont recall ever seeing STAY AWAY JOE on, say, The Saturday Afternoon Movie, The Saturday Night Movie, The Sunday Afternoon Movie or any other day-of-the-week-movie.  They showed movies all the time back then. But STAY AWAY JOE rarely showed up. So I didnt see it and I didnt miss it.

Even today, there are other points of interest that might make me take just a quick look at it: the presence of LQ Jones and Burgess Meredith and even Joe Esposito, an Elvis flunky who later became Elvis' closest consigliere when things turned dark and the Memphis Mafia went from Hollywood Romp to Coppola Shakespeare, and the presence of Charlie Hodge, an Elvis flunky who later became Elvis' irritating stage foil when Elvis let this fool on-stage to sing harmony during the concert years (the latter two are just cameos, credited as "Uncredited" for the former and "(Uncredited) Guitar Player" for the latter, but I like playing those spot-the-who games when watching movies). I do remain forever curious as how they fit the song "Dominic" (about more in a minute) into the story and what's going on when he sings it (about more in a minute). But no, I dont really want to see it. No burning desire to see it. Elvis looks great, amazingly great, like even-I'd-fuck-him-maybe great, he is growing into his lean, mean 1968 Comeback look after years of carrying Hollywood flab. But, no. Elvis as a Native American(!). For the second time in his movie career(!!).  Oy.

I do like the songs tho. I dont wanna see the movie. But I like the songs. They are perfect examples of an Elvis movie song, for good and for bad. They dont rise above that label (like the way a lot of the songs in BLUE HAWAII and JAILHOUSE ROCK rise above the Elvis-movie-song label, and transcend into honest-to-goodness bona fide memorable songs). There's more of those kinds of Elvis movie songs (honest-to-goodness bona fide memorable songs) than most people might think. But thats a discussion for another time. But the songs of STAY AWAY JOE are Elvis movie songs, no more, no less. I like 'em.

Apparently, there are songs that were recorded for the movie but werent used in the actual movie (and, in the case of "Dominic" never released until much later, after Elvis' death). But, never having seen the movie, I cant tell you which songs actually made the cut. But all of these songs appear on the new CD so lets discuss 'em.

"Stay Away, Joe" - so, full confession: I am partial to this song, a soft spot: it was the opening track of one of my first Elvis LPs (the "Lets Be Friends" LP on the budget label Camden, purchased at a WoolWorths for maybe $1.99 in the early 1970s and which remains my favorite of the Camden LPs). The song is a sprightly hoedown number that is rather catchy. It always made my cassette tape mixes, before and after the advent of Sony walkmans.

"All I Needed Was the Rain"- OK, again, I am partial to this because this song appeared on another of my first Elvis LPs (the "Singer Presents Elvis Sings Flaming Star" LP, although I didnt have the original Singer release but the Camden reissue that, yes, I purchased at a WoolWorths for maybe $1.99 in the early 1970s).

[The "Elvis - C'mon Everybody" was my first ever Elvis LP purchase (well, my mom purchased it, of course). Yes, purchased at a WoolWorths for maybe $1.99 in the early 1970s. After that, the chronology becomes fuzzy, which LP purchased in which order, but they were all Camdens from the cut-out bins. My first bona-fide RCA label LP, the first purchased-at-a-record-store-for-full-price LP (well, my mom purchased it, of course) was "Raised on Rock". Stop here, we can pick this topic up in a later post.]

Anyway. "All I Needed Was the Rain". A really great song. A great Elvis movie song. Comes close to rising above and transcending but its a bit too short. Still. Love it. An after-hours, weary-country-blues number with a spare country blues acoustic guitar and harmonica. When I have the time and I sit and try to learn how to play my own (beginners) acoustic guitar, this song is the one I try to work on playing.

"Dominic" - The infamous "Dominic". Now, of course, this song is not defensible in any way. Its a prime example of the bad Elvis movie song, the punch line people have in mind when they ridicule an Elvis movie.  Elvis. Singing. A song that is sung to a bull (!) who is apparently not interested in shagging any female bulls(!!). You can see why I remain curious as to how, exactly, the script leads up to Elvis just throwing out his hands, swivelin' his hips and bursting into this song. My curiosity is intensified further by the fact that Wikipedia points out that, in the movie, Elvis sings the song to two women and there is no bull in the scene. (No, I still wont see the movie). But, Ok. Still. I like it. Its silly, I know. Maybe its not even music as the term "music" is understood by the intelligentsia. But I like it. I even put it on the mix I play for my 5-year old and my 2-year old, when I put each of them to bed.

"U.S. Male" - Macho braggadocio from The King. What turns this into something great (that word again!) is the inspired guitar picking of Jerry Reed that drives the song. The words may be a poor caricature of someone claiming to be a bad ass but Elvis puts on his game-face and attacks it and Reed's guitar turns this into a countryboy's call to arms.

"Too Much Monkey Business" - ...and while we are on the subject of Elvis' game-face and Reed's guitar picking, it appears again on this (incredible, I think) cover of a Chuck Berry song. Yes, this too appeared on that "Singer Presents Elvis Sings Flaming Star" LP but thats not the reason I love this. Its a quality song and features an engaged Elvis giving this one his all. I sincerely doubt this had any connection to STAY AWAY JOE, I doubt it was recorded for, but not included in, STAY AWAY JOE, but FTD has chosen to include this anyway.  They are padding this CD a little bit but whatever.

"Stay Away" - I have heard slow versions of this song and fast versions. I like the slow version. Its not a great song. Singing about the great outdoors. Its meh. But if I had a choice, I would pick the slow version. This is the song that is set to the tune of "Greensleeves". I have never heard "Greensleeves" so I dont know if that sentence ("This is the song that is set to the tune of "Greensleeves".") is hilarious or not.

"Going Home" - following on from meh, here's another one. Undistinguished. Singing about the great outdoors again. Meh.

So, now, what is the FTD CD offering, and why do I care.

Two words for ya:

Outtakes.

Here are some more words for ya:

Outtakes of "Dominic".

Here is the complete track list:

01. Stay Away
02. Stay Away, Joe
03. Dominic
04. All I Needed Was The Rain
05. Goin' Home
06. Too Much Monkey Business
07. U. S. Male
08. Stay Away (jam, take 2)
09. Too Much Monkey Business (takes 1,3,6,9)
10. U.S. Male (takes (5,6,7)
11. Stay Away, Joe (takes 10,12,13)
12. Stay Away, Joe (takes 15,16,17)
13. Dominic (takes 1,3,2)
14. All I Needed Was The Rain (unprocessed master)
15. Too Much Monkey Business (takes 12,10)
16. Goin' Home (takes 12,18,21)
17. Goin' Home (takes 22,24,26,28,29)
18. Stay Away (takes 5,6)
19. Stay Away (takes 11,12,14)
20. U.S. Male (takes 9,10)
21. U.S. Male (take 11)

But what do I want to hear most of all? Yes, you better believe it. The outtakes of "Dominic". I really do. This could be really fun. Studio sessions where Elvis is trying to wrap his tongue around the stupidest songs are often hilarious.  One need only think back to the outtakes of "A Dog's Life" and "Datin" from the recording sessions for the PARADISE HAWAIIAN STYLE soundtrack? or the outtakes for "Beach Shack" from the SPINOUT sessions?

On a more serious level, the outtakes for "Too Much Monkey Business" also promise gold. If. If these particular takes havent been released already. I know we have heard at least take 9, I think, on an earlier FTD movie outtake collection. Its kickin too, esp when Elvis does an incredible bit of patented Elvis business with one of the lyrics. I love this take even more than the released (master) version. I am not sure how many of the other takes collected on this new CD may have been previously released so my fingers are crossed we have some new unheard material.

I am incredulous that there are no outtakes of "All I Needed Was the Rain". Like, not at all. Not one. That is simply an unconscionable omission by FTD.

The sessions for "U.S. Male" have already been extensively bootlegged so I dont expect there will be anything new here.

The CD track listing doesnt specify if the outtakes of "Stay Away" are of the slow version or the fast version. But I think "Stay Away" has also been pretty much covered by the bootleggers (if not by FTD themselves) already as has "Stay Away Joe" and "Going Home".

So, not a lot to look forward to, but the little bit that I am looking forward to could be gold.

Cant wait to pick it up.

But I still dont wanna see the movie.

LEE: A Book Review

There are few celebrities who both fascinate and scare me in equal measure.  These are the people I would love to spend time with, but would still be like a cat on a hot tin roof around for fear that my jaw could be dislocated at any moment should the mood strike them.  If you’re reading this review, it should go without saying (but I’m saying it anyway) that one of these people is Lee Marvin.  Here was a man who lived life large; who drank and fought and whored around with a seemingly gleeful, unapologetic abandon.  Yet he was a man who could do all of those things all night long and never let that stop him from giving every ounce of his being  in his performances (or perhaps because he lived his lifestyle the way he did).  You believe every word that comes out of this man’s mouth onscreen, because he doesn’t care if you’re impressed by him.  Though I’m by no means a Marvin expert, I feel confident in saying that his was a life of true freedom.  We were simply allowed a vaguely tinted window onto it from time to time.  But I’d still pack some brass knuckles if we ever went out drinking.

And so the good folks over at Crime Factory came up with this anthology, a chronological collection of seventeen fictional stories based on, perhaps, not Marvin the person so much as Marvin the idea.  And it’s a great idea.  Most (but not all) of the stories use Lee’s filmography as, at the very least, a backdrop (and no Delta Force story?!), and each piece very wisely tries to include multiple aspects of Marvin’s personality.  Some, like 1954: Out On The 101 by Jake Hinkson and 1980: The Big Red One by Johnny Shaw are total flights of fancy, while others, such as Jenna Bass’s 1964: A Sort Of Intellectual and 1968: Gone Fishing by Andrew Nette are more grounded, though there’s more than enough imagination and skill on display to keep the reader involved throughout each of the variegated narratives.  

Of course, when you have multiple authors attacking one subject, their approaches are going to vary (why else have a collection of writers?), and they certainly do here.  Some tales are more lyrical, others more understated; some are coarse, others almost genteel.  For as much as the parts are their own, though (and you could certainly read the book out of order without detracting from the experience), the pieces fit together snugly by the end.  Every author herein has certainly brought their A game to LEE, and their care for the subject shines through, whether they’re talking about the proportions of Marvin’s manhood or the strength of his moral character.  As with the totality of humankind, Lee Marvin was more than any one thing.  This wonderful anthology embraces all of the man’s aspects, even (perhaps especially) the uglier ones and it does it with verve and dexterity, creating a verisimilitudinous portrait of a complex personality.  Even the most casual of the actor’s fans will find themselves wholly intrigued and thoroughly captivated by this engrossing album.  This is Lee Marvin done right.

Crime Factory Website

LEE Kindle Edition

LEE Paperback Edition and Crime Factory’s Shop Website

One Last Dance (2006)

As I'm writing this review I keep asking myself, "Why should I like this film?" The plot line is hopelessly jumbled, the humor awkwardly rendered, some of the characters are just plain annoying, and the action leaves much to be desired. When looked at from a rational perspective, this film is a mess... but, it's a strangely compelling and enjoyable mess.

Featuring a Chinese and American Cast, a Brazilian Director (Max Makowski), and shot on location in Singapore, One Last Dance is the story of a kidnapping gone wrong. "T" (deliciously portrayed by Francis Ng), is a hit-man who is assigned to take out a gang of thugs lead by Ko (played annoyingly by Joseph Quek) who have kidnapped a tycoon's son. T is given his marks through small red envelopes called "lisees" which contain the name(s) of his next victim. Along the way T falls for the beautiful Mae (Vivian Hsu in a thankless role), not knowing she's the sister of Ko. When Ko's name shows up in one of T's Lisees, T faces a hard decision.

To be sure there are a lot of things to like about One Last Dance. Francis Ng is mesmerizing as the disenchanted hit-man and helps save this production from its numerous faults. Harvey Keitel is good even though he's not given much to do. Also of note in a positive light, is the film's cinematography and soundtrack, competently filmed and masterfully scored, featuring Pakk Hui's amazing song "Broken Orange" (seriously the song is worth watching the film alone) which nestles its way inside your brain and refuses to come out for days.

On the negative side, the film's humor is uneven and often irritating. One wishes they focused more on Francis Ng's character other than Joseph Quek, who attempts to provide the film with a dose of humor but misses the mark more often than not. Another annoyance is the films use of computer generated blood, which quite simply, looks terrible. Not to mention the irregular plot. I know this film is meant to be "pieces of a puzzle" and as much as I admire the ambitious attempt it seems to needlessly clutter the production. Most people will need a second viewing to pick through all the overlapping and seemingly unrelated scenes to piece together the time line and plot.

Bottom Line -For all of it's faults though, I still came away liking One Last Dance. It's definitely an original piece of work that's entertaining, and features some scenes of true cinematic beauty. I just wished it was a better film. 6.5/10

The Ebola Syndrome (1996)

If asked to describe Ebola Syndrome in one word it would have to be, hilarious. "What?" You might be thinking, "How can you describe a movie that features dismemberment, cannibalism, animal mutilation, self-mutilation, rape, gratuitous nudity, racial slurs, autopsy dissections, and an infamous masturbation scene with pork meat, as hilarious? How? Because in spite of all the nastiness featured in Ebola Syndrome, it actually resembles a gross-out comedy more than a horror film. That's not to say the the film doesn't have it's share of edgy, disturbing violence... it's just done very comically. And better yet, it works well.

Anthony Wong reprises his psycho/rapist/killer role again for another outing with director Herman Yau. Along with Danny Lee, these two were behind the much more serious and darker "Untold Story." Drawing comparisons between the two films seems inevitable because they are very similar in plot and both feature Anthony Wong doing what he does best... acting like a raving maniac. But while Untold Story is a dark and mean monster of a film, Ebola Syndrome is it's more light-hearted cousin.

Kai (Anthony Wong) plays a psycho who flees Hong Kong after brutally murdering the family of his employer (all of which happens before the opening credits) to take a job in South Africa working as a chef in Chinatown. Ten years pass, and Kai finds himself stuck in a dead end job with no way out. After visiting a local Zulu tribe to purchase pigs, Kai gets infected with the lethal Ebola Virus. But Kai is "one in ten million" and instead of dying he becomes a carrier for the disease. Shortly after an argument ensues at his work, Kai ends up murdering his employer and his wife, chopping up their bodies, and feeding their Ebola infected bodies to customers as "African Pork Buns (Notice any similarities)." After finding his employer's cash hoard, Kai decides to return to Hong Kong: but not without a trail of bodies along the way.

The secret of Ebola Syndrome's success is that it's not afraid to go completely over the top. Combined with genuinely funny humor, the film manages to be one fun ride. Anthony Wong gets to deliver a multitude of great lines with dead-pan nonchalance while he's ruthlessly dismembering or raping one of his many victims. I guess you have to have a dark sense of humor to get this film, and it's not for the squeamish- the autopsy scene is truly disgusting- but if ultra-violence is your thing, Ebola Syndrome delivers a wildly entertaining and sadistic ride.

Bottom Line - If you like extreme cinema and have a pitch black sense of humor than seek this out. A blissfully disturbing fun time with Anthony Wong doing what he does best. 7/10

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Episode #233: Loren Avedon The King of the Kickboxers

Welcome to a very, very special episode of our little podcast called the GGtMC!!!

This week, with the graceful presence and help of the great Karl Brezdin of Fist of B-List blog fame, we are honored to bring you a review of The King of the Kickboxers (1990) starring Loren Avedon and Billy Blanks. We are also blessed with the presence of Loren for a near 2 hour interview that was just amazing!!!

Check out Loren Avedon in other films as well...No Retreat, No Surrender 2 & 3, Manhattan Chase and Tiger Claws 3....just to name a few!!!

Direct download: ggtmc_233.mp3

 Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Voicemails to 206-666-5207

Adios!!!

Zeta One (1969)

We have talked in the past about my dislike (okay, let’s call it “hatred”) of shaky cam filmmaking techniques.  Don’t worry; we’re not going to rehash that old saw today.  Today’s peccadillo is psychedelia in cinema.  In the 1960s, the youth culture was fed up with just about everything; war, consumerism, and all of the inequities of their parents’ society (real or perceived).  In the cause of opening up their minds, there was a growing trend in the use of psychedelic drugs.  These drugs can create a non sequiturial experience, and people felt that, via their various trips, they were being told the secrets to all of life and the universe (though I’m sure other people just relished the opportunity to escape from reality).  This experience, however, does not (in my opinion) usually make for good cinema.  The typical “trip” scene in a film from the late 60s on would consist of smash cuts to any variety of visual (the less coherent, the better), shots that look like the inside of a lava lamp, shots bled out with swirling colored lighting gels, shots of naked (they’re more likely than not covered in body paintings that make jailhouse tattoos look like the work of Goya but naked, nevertheless) hippies dancing and grooving out to the sitar-heavy score, and so on.  It all irritates the living hell out of me.  These scenes are ugly, vapid, and most ironic of all, clichéd (and I’m sure they have felt that way even from the very first).  I’m sure I’m being irrational about this to some extent, but it takes two to tango, as they say.  Some people get a headache from strobe lights.  I get a headache from head trip scenes.

Secret Agent James (Robin Hawdon) comes home to his hip, attic pad only to find sexy secretary Ann (Yutte Stensgaard) cooking up a little coq au vin.  After a bit of necking, Ann decides to grill Agent Word (as in “James’ Word is his Bond,” get it?) about his last mission in Scotland.  She decides to play strip poker for the information (yes, really), but eventually she winds up just banging him, after which James is more than happy to start giving up the goods (one wonders how he’d hold up under adverse conditions).  It seems Major Bourdon (James Robertson Justice) has been at war with the nation (Planet?  Island?  Dimension?) of Angvia for some time, and he wants to conquer the civilization, which is populated entirely by women and led by the titular Zeta (Dawn Addams).  ‘Nuff said. 

Michael Cort’s Zeta One (aka The Love Factor) was produced under the auspices of Tony Tenser’s Tigon British Film Productions banner.  Generally speaking (and I am no expert, though I know of at least one book in regards to the subject – Beasts In The Cellar by John Hamilton – though I can’t attest to its quality), the studio produced cheap Horror and Sexploitation films (though I believe there were one or two more serious films to come out of the company) to compete with the classier (and better-produced) output of Hammer Films.  Of Tigon’s total body of work, I would think that film fans are most familiar with Michael Reeves’ great Witchfinder General, and rightfully so.  Sexploitation Comedies like this one (Zeta One, not Witchfinder General) are the type of affairs which play it fast and loose with whatever trends are popular at the moment, and they are generally pretty sloppy in execution.  This movie is no exception.  The opening twenty-plus minutes of the film, which should either draw us into some type of story or, at the absolute minimum, do something to titillate the viewer (the old “Boobs Or Blood Every Ten Minutes” tenet) does neither.  Instead, we get a little bit of teasing and one of the longest card game scenes I’ve ever witnessed (minus the tension of, say, Martin Campbell’s Casino Royale).  Worse than that, once the strip poker game does start to actually get interesting, the editing suddenly switches to a lame montage style and drops the viewer back off at square one, exhausted and exasperated.  We have learned next to nothing, and it feels distinctly like our time has been wasted, despite what female flesh is on display.

The rest of the film plays out as a flashback, but even the framing device of the film is hamfisted and sloppy.  James and Ann spend minutes doling out exposition, rather than setting up the story quickly and allowing the rest of the film to play out of its own volition.  The editing of the remainder of Zeta One is just as horrid.  Outside of the basic concept, the scenes don’t connect together in any coherent way (and not that this endorses the psychedelic angle; it’s simply poor filmmaking and extremely irritating).  Scenes happen (a few are even sort of intriguing), but they don’t advance anything in the film.  They just take up time and move on (kind of like a feature length version of The Benny Hill Show, without the sophistication).  The key question that has to be asked then is, “does it matter in this context?”  Isn’t a film like this better off not making one whit of sense?  Wouldn’t having something like a plot just get in the way of checking out nekkid chicks?  Isn’t asking for more from a film like this just being a bit snobby?  Perhaps.  But I’ve seen hardcore porn that had more of a story than this movie, for good or ill, and better made porn, at that.  

The big draw to the film, of course, is the very concept of Angvia.  A place populated entirely by women is something straight out of the early pulps, and for us comic book fans, we’re familiar with it from Wonder Woman’s Themyscira/Paradise Island (Zeta even looks similar to that comics’ Hippolyta), and let’s not forget the fabled Amazonian culture of warrior women.  The Sapphic connotations are self-evident, and William Moulton Marston’s penchant for bondage in the early Wonder Woman books is hinted at in the Angvian warriors’ “uniforms,” which consist largely of purple lengths of rope and pasties.  Of course, on the opposite side are Bourdon and his male cronies (one of whom is named Swyne and played by skinny nebbish Charles Hawtrey).  The two factions are opposites in almost every way (aside from the obvious).  The men are crude and warlike (Bourdon even has an “interrogation room,” essentially a dungeon where women are tortured and, I assume, killed).  The women are peaceful and quasi-aristocratic but can still handle themselves in a fight.  The men rely on mechanical weapons.  The women can kill by channeling some inner power.  Of course, the one thing the women cannot do without men is get pregnant and perpetuate their race.  To be surrounded by beautiful women who just want to have sex is the big carnal fantasy of a good many men (or at least of a good many adolescent boys).  And even though some animal vestige hangs onto this fantasy beyond puberty, it doesn’t make the thought any less ridiculous when depicted onscreen.

MVT:  It’s crass and nigh-Neolithic and probably contradictory to almost everything I’ve just written here, but the best thing in Zeta One is the birds.  And I don’t mean the kind with feathers.

Make Or Break:  The opening of this film is a major Break.  It is dull and silly and overlong, and it sets the viewer up for tedium and tits (in equal measure, I grant you).  And if you haven’t a problem with putting up with the one just to get to the other, then good for you.  You’re a better man than I am (apologies to Kipling).   

Score:  4.5/10