TOTAL RECALL (2012)

I havent finished watching this, it is still going on as I write this (yet another shootout, more explosions), but I can safely say I hate this movie with a passion.

However, if the filmmakers trot out Kuato, I am going to go ballistic-mad-hate on this and everyone associated with it.

Up to now, this remake has already replayed (or should I pun "recalled"?) many of the great scenes from the original (e.g. the scene at the airport where Quaid has to disguise himself to try to get past the guards; the scene where someone comes to Quaid to try and talk him out of his delusion) and that has roused my ire. But, I'm tellin' ya, if the filmmakers trot out Kuato, I am gonna be so fuckin !!*@(&**)@#*(&^@#.

Small favors: the filmmakers have resisted the temptation of having a Johnny Cab cameo.

I am no fan of Le Cinema du Len Wiseman; he is the very epitome of a soulless hack filmmaker whose films are busy and loud and without a shred of personality.

Should we consider Wiseman's continued attempts to fetishize his wife (Kate Beckinsale) a personal artistic statement?

Actually, this is a good example of a Wiseman miscalculation: he wants us to believe Kate is a badass but he doesnt realize that man-girl co-star Jessica Biel could probably rip Kate's head right off: Kate is in fine shape physically (looking like the aging is comin' on a bit strong around the face, I thought) but Jessica has got that man-girl hard body (she could probably kick my ass too).

TOTAL RECALL (the original) was a big budget film for its time but, with this latest incarnation, the filmmakers went even bigger (well, CGI bigger) when Wiseman and company should have scaled this way back and instead focused on playing head games with the audience, have the audience really unsure if what is happening on screen is just a delusion of some sort.  Remember that Roger Corman produced flick BRAIN DEAD with Bill Paxton? That was made for $1.50 and I remember that film playing head games with me and I had a great time with it. I remember how freaked I was watching TOTAL RECALL (the original) in theaters as Verhoeven put some twists in and played games with us as Schwarzenegger encountered video messages that he left for himself, etc.  But no, not so with this new TOTAL RECALL. It doesnt help that we have seen everything before (again, these are the same scenes from the original, replayed/recalled) but there is no emphasis on (or fun with) playing with the audience.  At no point did I think Colin Farrel was some average joe who brain was being screwed up (I did with Schwarzenegger). This new version of TOTAL RECALL is more concerned with shootouts and running and jumping and things exploding and bad CGI.

Colin Farrell is woefully miscast here. You simply do not put Colin Farrell as the lead of a big budget popcorn action movie. Oh, he can run and jump and fight and shoot like a pro but there is nothing about Colin Farrell that pulls you into the movie or his character, he is not the sort of person you want to take you along on a rollercoaster ride, he's a bit morose and dour, no fun. Colin Farrell is no Schwarzennegger (in many ways). I had the same problem with Farrell in the FRIGHT NIGHT remake - there was no giddiness in his playing a vampire, you get the impression he didnt really want to be doing it, that it was beneath him. Colin Farrell is no Chris Sarandon (in many ways).

And Kate Beckinsale is no Michael Ironside (in many ways). She doesnt exude menace at all. At all! The film desperately needed an oversized villain personality here and Kate just cannot bring it.

As I write this, the film has just ended and I am happy to report that Kuato is a no-show.

However, the climax is a fight between Colin Farrell and...Bryan Cranston?!?!?  When Stallone had a brawl with John Lithgow (of all people!) at the climax of CLIFFHANGER, I was able to go with it(!). But Colin Farrell fighting Bryan Cranston?!??! Please.

And Bryan Cranston is no Ronny Cox (in many ways).